DRAG QUEEN BINGO

Los Angeles, CA

(April 11-12, 2012)

We had one last full day in LA and decided to relax a bit. We had no real plans until that evening, other than brunch plans with our friend Kate, so we decided to make it an off-the-cuff kind of day.

Unexpected rain aided us in having a leisurely morning (I mean, who wants to rush anywhere when it’s a rainy day, right?) before we headed over to Sweet Butter for brunch in North Hollywood. Our friend Kate is another LA transplant from NYC. She made quite a name for herself in the cabaret/piano bar/musical theater scene (we met her years ago when she was host of a late-night, musical theater open-mic night at one of the West Village’s piano bars) and decided it was time to try her hand out in LA. 

Miriam and Kate outside of Sweet Butter

We had a great morning catching up and remarking how nice it was to see the rain (Kate said she misses the rain now that she rarely sees it out in desert country). After brunch, which was quite yummy, I might add, we made our way to Kate’s apartment, where Sal met up with us, and we hung out for a while in her fabulous apartment with her ultra-cute dog, Oscar. It was nice to take some time to just sit back and relax while on vacation. I rarely allow myself to do that—it’s always go-go-go with me so that I can see as much as possible.

After leaving Kate’s, we left our car parked by her apartment and let Sal chauffeur us around. Miriam mentioned she was interested in doing some shopping, specifically for some new shoes, since we had a ton of weddings to attend in the summer months, so Sal took us to Westfield Century City Mall. I remarked that they never had fun heels for feet as large as mine (think canoe paddles), which turned into a challenge for Sal and Miriam, who both started pulling huge, ridiculous, drag-queen-like shoes off the sales racks. I was refusing to try them on so Sal said I had to try them on if he did (turns out we wear the same size), and he proceeded to give us a fashion show in the heels, complete with rolled up pants—the better to see how fabulous his legs looked. A deal was a deal, so I did try them on, but Sal’s legs looked much better than mine…

After our unsuccessful—yet amusing—shopping excursion (we even saw Trouty Mouth, aka Chord Overstreet, from “Glee” doing a little shopping), Sal took us over to Silver Lake, a neighborhood with a hipster vibe that reminded us very much of NYC’s own Williamsburg. We stopped at a coffee shop for a little coffee and pastry and relaxed at one of their outdoor tables. We wandered around the neighborhood for a little bit, but the shops were a bit out of our price range so we hopped back in the car. We decided to stop at a really good hole-in-the-wall taco joint in North Hollywood called Henry’s Tacos for a quick bite. I was still kind of full from brunch and didn’t want to completely ruin my appetite for the dinner we were going to in a few hours, so I only had one little taco, but it was quite tasty. Sal had always wanted to try this place, and all three of us gave it two thumbs up.

Sal had to get ready for work, so we picked our car up at Kate’s and drove back to his apartment. After freshening up, we headed to Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood for their Wednesday night Drag Queen Bingo, the event I had been looking forward to for five days.

We got there early in order to get a seat, having not made a reservation ahead of time, and settled into a table in the back of the restaurant, waiting for our friend Marques to get there. That evening, bingo was a charity event for a local school, so the prizes were pretty tame, like gift certificates to restaurants and spas. Our friends have gone before and won lots of lewd and crude prizes (which are always humorous to win, even if they won’t be used). Miriam and I made our donation and got our bingo cards and bingo markers and waited for the show to begin. Marques showed up right as it was about to start, so we ordered our dinner and uncapped our markers.

I must say, there’s something about drag queens that livens up any event. They’re so full of spitfire and ready with snappy insults that it always makes for an amusing evening. And this evening proved to be no different. Our drag queen host had a male co-host, and they kept things quite entertaining with their witty banter. 

Along with our bingo cards we were given an information sheet of the various bingo games we could play, most with obscene names like Pole Dance (fill the “N” column) or Rim Job (fill in all the spaces around the free space), and all the “call-backs” we had to be ready to yell (i.e. “Not after but...” B4 or “Not malignant but...” B9. Clever).

Every winner had to go up to the front and show the hosts their winning cards. They then had to take a victory lap around the restaurant so that those of us who didn’t win could crumple up our losing cards and throw them at them. There were also plenty of people not paying attention to the game we were supposed to be playing and would think they had bingo, would run up to the front, and would then get made fun of by the hosts. It was entertaining. And, lesson learned: when the drag queen is talking, shut up and listen. The three of us got so close to winning on numerous occasions, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Regardless, we had an incredibly fun evening.

We decided to skip the later session of bingo, said goodbye to Marques, and made our way over to The Abbey, a famous gay bar in West Hollywood, that on Wednesday nights turns into Girl Bar. Earlier in the day, our friend Kate mentioned she would be there that evening and told us we should join her. Parking was proving to be difficult, but we hadn’t heard from Kate confirming that she was actually there, so we refused to pay for valet parking. We drove around for a little while and eventually found a parking spot around the corner and down the block from The Abbey-- a parking spot most LA residents would probably refuse because of the “long” walk, but we’re New Yorkers-- all we ever do is walk!

It was still relatively early in the evening-- a little after 9pm-- so getting in was easy, and the place was far from crowded. It looked really cool inside, with big, working fireplaces blazing and an outside garden area. The music was a little loud, especially since no one was on the dance floor, but we found a seat and waited to hear from Kate. Not long after we got a text saying she wasn’t going to make it. Although the place looked cool, it wasn’t really our cup of tea if we weren’t going to have company, so we decided to call it a night and head back to North Hollywood.

The next morning it was time to start packing up. Our flight was leaving in the early afternoon, but before we headed to the airport we wanted to spend a little more quality time with our host-with-the-most, Sal. Brunch was a definite theme this vacation, so we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have one last brunch, this time at Bea Bea’s Cafe in Burbank. It was nothing to behold inside, but the food was delicious! Sal and I both got all things pumpkin-- pumpkin waffles and pumpkin pancakes with a pumpkin cream cheese marmalade. If something has pumpkin in it, I’m going to try it, so this was a lovely meal in my eyes.

After brunch we ran to a nearby grocery store so I could pick up a birthday card for my brother, and then we stopped by the post office so I could put my brother’s birthday gift (some fun finds from It’s a Wrap) in the mail. I can honestly say his was the only birthday present that arrived on time this year, all thanks to me being on vacation. Thanks, LA!

With nothing else to do and Sal having to go to work, we packed up the car, said goodbye to Sal, and made our way to LAX. We waved goodbye to our little rental car and checked in for our flight.

We were ready to eat by the time we got on our Virgin America flight, so we ordered food to eat almost right after take-off, using the handy-dandy order screen at our seats. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. After almost an hour we finally stopped a flight attendant and asked where our food was, and she explained it would be delivered after they served everyone beverages. I was already starting to gnaw on my knuckles from hunger... My question is, why offer something and say they’ll bring it right to you, if you then have to wait until they feel like bringing it? Ugh. Whatever. (Editor’s note: if you ever fly Virgin and want to order food or drink, do so after the beverage cart has gone by and it WILL come to you quickly. Miriam ordered a diet soda later in the flight and it was out in less than five minutes.) 

The flight itself was uneventful, thankfully. We landed at Newark really late and then waited forever for the shuttle bus to take us back to the city. Why not a cab? Because it would cost us a ton of money to go from New Jersey to Brooklyn-- about the cost of a one-way flight, actually. So we waited. Finally our bus appeared. We then grabbed our train home, walked into the apartment, gave the kitties a welcome home squeeze and collapsed into bed.

All in all, it was an incredibly fruitful trip. Many thanks to all the wonderful friends we were able to see: Sal, Lori, Autumn, Rightor, Isabella, Ryan, James, Kate, and Marques. Y’all made it an extra special trip.

‘Til we meet again, LA. ‘Til we meet again.

THE THIRTY MILE ZONE

Los Angeles, CA

(April 8, 2012)

We woke up on day two in Los Angeles to discover that the Easter Bunny had paid us a visit! Yay! Well, in truth, Miriam, the ever-prepared wonder, thought ahead and brought delicious chocolates from our favorite chocolatier in NYC, Jacques Torres, with a couple of traditional Hershey’s and Dove chocolate bunnies thrown in. The little sneak got up in the middle of the night to hide chocolate Easter eggs all over Sal’s apartment, and Sal and I, still dressed in our PJs, had fun finding them all on Easter morning. 

This day was going to be loads of fun, starting off with brunch with Sal and one of Miriam’s oldest friends, Rightor. Miriam and I, having watched a lot of TMZ, a paparazzi/entertainment based news program, wanted to hit up a brunch place often featured on the program called Toast, located in Hollywood. Apparently, it’s frequented a lot by celebrities. I wanted to go there, not for the possible celebrity sightings, but because I had seen it so often on TMZ that I had to check it out. 

Sal & the tea bag selections

Rightor & his coffee

Sal dropped us off and went to park the car, and we started catching up with Rightor while our table was prepared. Miriam and Rightor grew up together in New Orleans, and for a while we all lived in New York, but very recently, a television series he’s been writing garnered the interest of a major producer in LA, so he has “temporarily” relocated to LA to write more episodes in the hopes that a studio will pick it up. We’ll see how temporary that move is…
The brunch menu at Toast looked AMAZING! We all had a difficult time deciding what to get. Miriam and I settled on something sweet (pancakes and French toast covered and stuffed with all sorts of goodness), Rightor on something savory, and Sal, the skinny snot, couldn't decide, so he ate two meals to get a sweet AND savory fix!

My chai came with cookies!

We had a blast over brunch, chatting as though it hadn’t been a millennium since we’d last seen each other. We had a lot of laughs and a lot of fun, and I think we highly amused our waitress.

Once brunch was over, we said goodbye to Rightor, and Sal dropped us off on Hollywood Boulevard by the Grauman’s Chinese Theater (also know as Mann’s Chinese Theater). Miriam and I were going on the TMZ Hollywood tour, and we couldn’t have been more excited about it!

We got there a bit early for our tour, so we checked in at the tour booth and then played around with all the famous hand and foot prints that are pressed into the cement outside the Chinese Theater. As a tourist, you can’t have a real Hollywood visit without testing your hand and foot size against those of some of the most famous music and screen legends. At the same time, I can’t even imagine what has been in those handprints we were all so willingly touching…if you’re squeamish, bring some hand sanitizer.

Miriam matching up with Cher

Finally, someone with bigger hands than me! (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

AKA, my mom's side of the family

We also took some pictures of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the many blocks of stars gracing the sidewalks around Hollywood Boulevard that idolize celebrities from musicians to television personalities, all the while trying to avoid the costumed characters wanting to take pictures with you for money. No, thanks.

Finally, it was time to join our tour!

Here’s a little back-story: TMZ is an entertainment news source, using both a website and a television show to promote the news of the entertainment world. Their television show takes place at their morning pitch meetings, where the TMZ employees pitch their stories to Harvey Levin, the creator of TMZ, in the hopes of getting the stories posted on the website. I absolutely LOVE watching these morning pitch meetings. They are ridiculous and hilarious. Personally, I could care less about the videos and pictures they get of the various celebrities-- I’m more interested in watching the camaraderie of the employees. I find it so entertaining that I actually DVR it so I can make sure to watch it every day.

Anyways, TMZ stands for “Thirty Mile Zone,” a term from the 1960’s, which meant that any film shooting outside this zone was considered a location shoot-- location shoots require per diems and paid travel and living expenses, so to film within this thirty mile zone was cost effective and ideal for producers. The Thirty Mile Zone basically sits on top of the center of Hollywood. Harvey Levin thought it would be a fun throwback to name his entertainment news website after the Thirty Mile Zone, since a lot of their news comes from, but it’s not limited to, Hollywood.

So, Miriam and I were super pumped to be going on the relatively new TMZ Hollywood tour (it was less than a year old when we went). It’s different from your typical sight-seeing tours because the tour guides are TMZ employees and could even be one of the people you see on the television show, and rather than point out the expected LA sights, they point out where celebrity happenings have occurred (i.e. the corner where Hugh Grant picked up the prostitute or the Laugh Factory where Michael “Kramer” Richards had his racial rant), all while scoping for celebrities. 

Van!

We were really hoping our tour guide would be Van, the young black guy from Louisiana often featured on the show. We were so hoping it would be him that we decked ourselves out in New Orleans and Saints t-shirts. And wouldn’t you know, our tour guide was Van! 

We let him know right away that we were going to be a fun pair, but it looked like the rest of the people on the bus were going to be quiet and unresponsive. I decided right then and there to make up for that. I was joking with him and trying to give clever answers to his questions and even tried to get the other people on the bus involved. They were boring. But at least I was entertaining myself and Van. Miriam just shook her head and laughed at me.

The tour is in a big, open-air van. Well, bigger than a van but smaller than a full-sized bus. It has a roof but no windows, just giant open spaces that we could hang out of if we felt adventurous—ah, the glories of living in a desert without the real worry of rain. We could see everything around us without the hindrance of windows but still kind of be out of the sun. That was sweet.

Our friend Lori had gone on the TMZ tour the month prior so she let us know that they’d ask for volunteers for games along the way, with the potential to win a free t-shirt. Well, I wanted that t-shirt. The minute Van started saying the word “volun-” my hand shot up in the air. The game I played was whether or not the celebrity in the video would wave at the camera or give the finger. The whole bus thought my celebrity would give the finger, but I said he would wave. And guess who was right? That’s right, baby. I’m the proud owner of a TMZ Hollywood tour t-shirt. Boo-yah. I won’t tell you who my celebrity was in case you, reader, end up on this tour and happen to get the same celebrity video. No cheating!

We ended up playing the game twice more and both contestants got it wrong, so in an effort to give away his last t-shirt, Van asked everyone where he was originally from. I was the first to answer, but since I already had a t-shirt I couldn’t win again.

The tour cracked Miriam and I up. We stopped by all sorts of crazy places, including the hospital where celebrities are born, go crazy, and die, the Hollywood precinct, which has a special rule in place where they won’t release mug shots (celebrities, if they are going to be arrested, hope to be in the Hollywood precinct at the time of their arrest…), various restaurants celebrities frequent when they want to be seen (like Boa), and an apartment building with some very famous inhabitants (like Elton John, for instance, who has a separate apartment for his baby…because the baby can take care of itself, right?).

Surprise carrot cake!

Van, who was mic’ed the whole time, would start up conversations with people on the street or in the cars next to us when we were stuck in traffic. At one point he started up a conversation with the couple in the car next to us, asking what they were doing for their Easter Sunday, at which point the lady lifted an unexpected carrot cake from her lap! WTF?! Where did that come from?? We had fun with that one. 

We only had one brief celebrity sighting—Wayne Brady—as he waited to be seated at a brunch place Van was pointing out to us. Van then told us how he has some bad blood for Wayne Brady after Wayne’s production company optioned his screenplay about Hurricane Katrina and then never did anything with it. It’s what brought Van to LA in the first place. He may be slightly bitter about it, but he’s now a celebrity in his own right. Shoot, the guy was invited into the back of Cee-Lo’s limo when they both showed up at the same fast food joint. Cee-Lo recognized him from TMZ and asked him to join him in his car! He said it was wild eating his value combo in Cee-Lo Green’s limo. Pretty funny stuff.

One of my favorite moments was when we passed by the Chinese Theater (remember the costumed characters I mentioned earlier?). On the count of three he had us all say hi to Spongebob, who happily turned toward our bus and waved. Then Van had us watch a video where that very Spongebob got beat up by two women who thought he said something disparaging about one of their mothers. It was the perfect set up. We were so happy and then completely mortified. It was hilarious! Trust me, it was hilarious.

Then, sadly, the tour came to an end. We, happily, gave Van a nice tip (always tip your tour guides!) for the very entertaining tour we took and asked him to take a picture with us outside the tour bus. My reaction to the picture (“Sweet, wounded...That’s beautiful.”) sent him into hysterics, at which point he hugged us both and told us he loved us. Aw.

After the tour, we ventured into various shops along Hollywood Boulevard until Sal could come pick us up, then we all went to the West Hollywood It’s a Wrap (yes, again) since Miriam and I only had 15 minutes there the day before. Sal had never been and really wanted to check it out.

I totally scored at this It’s a Wrap, finding two perfectly fitting pairs of dress pants from the television show “Brothers and Sisters” and the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. I also found a really nice dress shirt for my brother (it was his birthday in a week, after all), and a pair of stainless steel hoop earrings from the Selena Gomez television show “Wizards of Waverly Place” that only cost 90 cents. 90 cents! Total steal.

My fried burrito

The fun cactus chandelier

After we drained It’s a Wrap dry, we headed back to Sal’s apartment to freshen up, randomly running into a friend of his driving by and convincing her to chat for a second in a convenient parking lot-- LA really is a small town sometimes! Then we met up with Sal’s friend, Isabella, for dinner at the Mexican restaurant Don Cuco, where I got an amazing fried burrito. Dinner was a blast and Isabella was so much fun.

By the end of the evening we were so tuckered out by our long and eventful day that we couldn’t wait to pass out...but not before having some Easter Bunny chocolate...

Sal, Isabella, and Miriam outside Don Cuco's